There aren’t enough good single males left within New York City. It seems like that’s what everyone is telling us. When Deanna* moved to the city at the end of 2021 she was the first to check if there was any truth in this claim. A new single woman after the boyfriend she had been with for three years separated from her via Snapchat, Deanna joined Hinge and Tinder. It was at this time that a secret Facebook group called Are You Dating the same Guy NYC appeared as an ideal follower. The group included a strict prescreening questionnaire and community rules that were a bar to entry. It had nearly 43,000 strong. Deanna was interested, and she joined.
The community
The community was created with the very specific intention of helping women check if they were being contacted by other people – was launched in the month of March 2022. Every major US city has a similar group now, and the rules are clear: Anyone can post anonymously. There is no censorship or sharing sensitive information and under no circumstances should members leave the group. No harassment, no blame-shifting, no hate speech. Never inform a man that he’s been a member of the group. In the wake in the wake of West Elm Caleb, an individual with whom many women from New York shared negative dating experiences and made connections on the web, it was clear that many women were looking for a way of seeking out the other guys who shared similar experiences.Join Us datingfortodaysman.com website A TikTok user commented during the day This is why we need an app where we can leave reviews of guys we’ve dated on Hinge.
It’s a lot like what this group had become before Deanna joined. Every version of Are We Dating the Same Guy serves as a gathering area for women seeking romantic advice or want to offer warnings about men with whom they’ve had bad dating experiences. Loyalty-testing long-term boyfriends-that is, using other women to entice them via social media, has also become a norm. It’s easy to slip into a rabbit hole of screenshotted Hinge profiles, stories about hookups that have gone wrong, and memes of the flaws of modern day dating. Many of the most popular posts feature images of men who have his first name, and asking who has matched or been a date with the person in question. Emojis of the red flag are a frequent glimpse on uninspiring but ominous posts warning of a former lover or bad relationship that are usually accompanied by a downward arrow and the ominous text See comments for more info.
Dating online has taken over our prospects in recent years in recent years, with a recent study showing that 39 percent of heterosexual couples found their spouse online. So it makes sense that the romantic element of romance will change in the digital age. Instead, of sitting with a handful of friends drinking a glass of wine or venting to coworkers, we are now seeking advice from 43,000 women who have experienced similar – and sometimes similar experiences.
It’s demystified this idea that dating is easier for some women than it is for others, says Ellie one of the group member. Not to say there aren’t rights that are available however, it was beneficial for me to reframe my perception of dating. It’s not a competition in a way with women who aren’t, and instead holding men to a much higher expectation than I was previously.
It’s obvious to me, however, that certain behavior that’s supported and facilitated in Are We the Dating the Same Guy could be concerning if displayed by potential suitors. Images, the details of private chats, and screenshots uploaded without the consent of the other party or knowledge are all over the internet. People search social media accounts on a nearly daily basis. It’s not difficult for a partner to get called hot. While Deanna enjoys being part group, she does have some reservations. Sometimes you see people posting ‘If he wanted to, he would’ about paying for things or picking you up in an Uber, she admits. But I think you run into the problem where it becomes an echo chamber of men have repeatedly pushed us for so long, we’re going to give it back.
Today, we live in the patriarchal system
We live in an age of patriarchy. So until we’re truly equal the online interactions will produce different results based on the culture of each individual. But, can a community like this really have committed to empowering itself on one side of the coin and reprehensible violence in the cell on another? Are We All Dating the Same Guy? is hyperlocal and inter-personal, but only for those who live and date in the same city that the group is located in. The women, and the men they profile, could be your neighbor, coworker, friend, family member, or your most of all, a recent Hinge match. But there’s a lack of personalization that happens when you use the internet, which makes the whole experience feel like it’s a game. It’s not an unreasonable idea to say this is objectifying to the individuals in both groups. This is particularly true when the details about private interactions, conversations including photos, can be shared without permission or knowledge, and often in the name of entertainment.